From Last Weekend's Patriots Game

I've been sitting on these quotes from last week's Patriots game due to travel, holidays, and other things which are generally less important (but more unavoidable) than posting on this blog:

"Mewelde Moore goes down for the safety." But he only gives heejies to the cornerbacks.

"Trust me—Matt Flynn tonight is going to have a coming out party and it will be impressive." Perez Hilton says that Ellen DeGeneres might even make an appearance!

"New England's the hottest team in league." Blingee time!!!1!11!


Glitter Graphics

"The Guy That Has To Come To The Party Is Joe Flacco."

I mean, just look at how excited this guy is at the prospect:

Only time I'm throwing this sort of thing up, barring another Collinsworth gem. Happy whatever, Eli. (Canadian Thanksgiving?)

"It's Attitude, Not Aptitude, That Determines Altitude."

No. No it's fucking not. It's goddamn sports, not the inane admissions slogan from your safety school. I don't know who said this tonight, and it doesn't even matter, because it could've been any single one of them. You people. I mean this what, sentiment?, is not myth, it's not narrative, it's not funny ha-ha and it's not funny interesting. Fuck you. In the world of idealism paraded as fact, this is the untethered turkey balloon of all turkey balloons.

Yes, I Watched The High School Cross Country National Championships . . .

Online. Because I am a dork. Anyway . . .

On runners' thoughts early in the race: "You start thinking--'where do I wanna be right now? What do I wanna do?'" Pretty heady stuff for 17-year-olds, but shouldn't they be paying more attention to the national championship they're currently participating in than to trying to answer life's big questions?

On the girls' field: "These are 40 of the finest young ladies in the country." And they run pretty well too, don't they?

On the boys' field: "These guys, they're ready for a big dog fight out there." And to think, even cross country runners are emulating Michael Vick these days--the shame!

On the leaders of the boys' race as they head downhill: "Verzbicas and Zeinasellassie are mano y mano as they go down." Apparently our announcer moonlights as a synopsis writer for Spanish language underage Euro-African fetish porn DVD covers. Or maybe he's moonlighting as our announcer, and that's actually his day job--the way long tail economics works, you can make a killing doing just about anything these days.

On Verzbicas, as he approaches the finish line with a large lead: "If he can get to the finish line on his two feet he's gonna have a great day here." If he gets to the finish line on someone else's two feet, though, well, we've got the plot for the next season of Dexter.

No It's Not Like Horse. Pff! (Pff.) Pff.

STILL: Goes great with mustard. Let's do this.

"I mean, that's rules. That's the explanation." Joe Theismann, coming in H-O-T!

"One of the things the Tennessee Titans have decided to do, is they're not going to do a whole lot on defense." There is no try in the Titans Play-- and/or Choose Your Own Adventure-- Book.

"All you players out there remember: it takes no talent to hustle." Hustle, commentate, fall off a log, and in that order. (I mean, that's rules. That's the explanation.)

"The head is taboo." Thou shalt not suffer a scholar to live.

Follow up: "Dis-con-cert-ing Sig-nals...? (??!)" ???

HALFTIME!

"Yeah, it's a playoff game." Is he as bored as I am? Is that possible?

My God was this one ever a real slobberknocker. I'm out.

"In This League, In This Year, Nobody Knows Anything."

Al Michaels: not not an idiot.

A Hell Of A Place To Be Coming From

AND NOW: Thursday Theismannlights!

"What the Falcons are trying to do is get this Raider defense a little tired." Good start, good start. Keep 'em on their toes.

"They're [Falcons O line] not going to win any beauty contests.... Except for my guys. They were all beautiful." Maybe there is meaning to be found in a Pauly Shore movie, he thinks to himself.

Wow, nobody's really letting him talk much, are they? We're well into the second quarter and his comments have amounted to, "The player that just got a first down is a heck of an athlete, on account of getting that first down." Otherwise it's just stats he's been fed.

"I love his [Matt Ryan's] stroke." Play it cool, Theismann, play it cool.

"There've been a lot of places where he's [Flacco's] had to squeeze it in, in rhythm." Success. (Not an Australian joke; it's funny because Flacco has no rhythm. What Flacco does have is a poster of Tom Brady in his room... back at his parents' house, where he lives.)

HALFTIME!

"Let's see if Joe Flacco can stabilize this." Joe Flacco is the quarterback equivalent of the folded envelope you put under a wobbly table leg? Yes.

"We talked about running left. What happens? Go left. Alright." Left Good. Fire Bad.

"This is where the nightmare has begun for the Baltimore Ravens." But not because this is my first Thursday Night Football or anything, no. Correlation does not prove causation, after all.

"We know who the Ravens are." I mean the Raiders. What, what?

"You have to stay true to your personality." Take a look, it's in a book.

"He got it to his body and let it go right through. I bet that's the last time you see him (... use that body)." Tony Gonzalez is either A. dead or B. a shapeshifter

"They knew it would be a real slobberknocker." ... . And I'm done.

"I'll Give You A Dollar To Shut Up"

• CAN JOE FLACCO CARRY THE WATER?
• WILL THE ATLANTA HAWKS FINALLY HEADLINE A MARIONBARBERIS POST THAT DOESN'T FEATURE RACISM?
• WHICH CHEERLEADER (OR CHEERLEADERS) GET PUSHED DOWN SOME ICE?

Find out all this and *more* during the campfire, wagon circle, "liveblog" of Joe Theismann's Thursday Night Football premiere. Because look at me, what else am I going to do. What else, indeed.

"It's Great To Be Mr. October"

Dwayne Zackamore?

"There Were Like Three Hockey Assists On That Play."

Now establishing the sporting statistics exchange rate: four basketball passes equals three hockey assists equals two soccer shots on goal equals one attempted sacrifice bunt should equal one embarrassed NBA champion--meaningless off-season exhibition or no. (With a five-percent service fee being taken out by all the Jews who run the leagues.) QED

("That play" can be seen here.)

Tonight Marion Barber Made His First Pass Attempt (And It Was Incomplete).

Marion Barber is probably finished at pass attempts.

Oh Cris Collinsworth, Sunday Night Is Not Diary Night, It Is Football Night.

"He [McNabb] looks like a thoroughbred. Can you lose body fat in your face? Because he looks younger."

"For Wade Phillips, It's Been One Of Those Kinds Of Nights Tonight."

"A two ham night," he mutters softly to himself. "Definitely two."

(OH NO WAIT, tonight was the Big Game.)

Wes Phillips And Kyle Shanahan Working For Their Fathers' Respective Team Organizations : Nepotism :: Al Michaels : Al Michaels, Idiot

"And this is not a case of nepotism; both of these boys really know their stuff."

The Thing About Marion Barber Is: Heisman Candidate

"Remember, in college it has not nothing but anything to do with football."

"You Don't Need A Degree To Be An Orthopedic Surgeon"

Enough with the charts and graphs, professor, I've already got a double major in street sense and down home country wisdom.

("An arm isn't supposed to throw something at 150 miles per hour" was the B-side of that comment, which I guess is the sum total of Orthopedic surgical knowledge. Then they go home, kiss their wives, and sleep the sleep of the righteous.)

"That's not the way Mark Richt or anyone wants to start the season--under arrest!"

This would be astute analysis, except that the incident the unidentified ESPN Radio personality was talking about was actually only a misdemeanor--the latest in a series of very hilarious misdemeanors.

"She Has A Little Bit Of Knees In The Air"

On the ground, though, she's all elbows.

What About Hanging Ourselves?

"'How are you going to change this game?' 'Everybody's got to take responsibility and be accountable'"

"They have a strong self belief, the collective spirit, and that kind of momentum can do anything for them"

"And now it's a psychological game"

"And they do have this 'Yes We Can' attitude"

"US looking for possession, which is really 9/10ths of the law here"

"The last drink in the the last chance saloon..."

This, all of this, this random selection of sincerity from the story of two Speak and Spells that had learned to love by repeated viewings of Cool Runnings, this is why I watch the World Cup on Univision. Because actually calling the fucking game is for amateurs.

Remind me to bring a bit of rope to-morrow.

"At Bat, Manny, To Use An Old Phrase, 'Owns' CC Sabathia."

And this from Vin Scully, who is at least 104 years old. He's- he's talking about slavery, isn't he?

"It's Not About Possession, It's About Penetration"

For Paraguay, perhaps. For Kobe, though, no way.

Reporter: "What Allowed You To Survive Kobe Bryant's Onslaught There?"

Doc Rivers: "Hey there lady - he's a rapist, not a killer."

"Byant Offensively Had His Way that Whole Quarter."

Duck . . . Barrel . . . Open thread--GO!

"You Just Have To Take It Some Time."

I'm pretty sure that was also Kobe's defense.

There Is No "Allegedly" In The Court Of Public Opinion

"So to me, for him to a call a foul, even though it wasn't a foul, is the right call"

So, to Jeff Van Gundy, for a ref to:

1. call a foul

even though

2. it wasn't a foul

is

3. the right. call.

Later:

"Why do you guys look at me like I have two heads every time I come up with something right?"

Two mouths, the better to eat all the dicks.

"Joe West Just Wanted To Stick It Right Up His Behind And He Did"

Look, this blog likes a good gay/Australian joke as much as (and, really much, much more than) the next guy; remember, we here don't believe that words (or strings of words) have any objective meaning (this is how we justify saying whatever we want). However, we feel that announcers on regional sports networks should be held to at least some sort of incredibly mild standard of non-homophobic commentating, because (while gay jokes are things we feel okay making on this blog, because we know 1) no one reads it; and 2) if they did, they would likely be a friend of ours whose mind we would know we wouldn't be poisoning against the gheys [hi Jake!]) that's just not the sort of joke or comment that should be made in an environment where one doesn't have compete control of its ramifications.

But, in this case, FUCK THAT! Because--you wanna know what?--the only inaccurate thing that announcer said is "and he did." Because Joe West definitely, certainly, 100% truly wanted to stick it right up his (Mark Buehrle's) behind.

Seriously, Joe West, I hope you die a miserable, rotten, lonely, fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat death. (On the bright side, I feel it's pretty likely that that's something that will happen; either that or him choking to death on a chicken wing.)

"The French Love These Types of Battles"

Oh, really? Are you sure they don't like this type of battle? Or what about this kind? Or this one (yeah, definitely that one)?

Wait, scratch that, they're French. There's no type of battle that they love more than one between two pretty men wearing collared shirts smacking balls back and forth at each other.

Talk About A Goose Egg

"It started as a 0-0 game."

Who Rocks The Party That Rocks Your Body

"When you're the all-time leading scorer for the Lakers, you've done some things."

(eg: score, allegedly)

"Redick Does A Good Job Harassing Allen"

You can always tell a Duke man.

What Makes The Red Man Yellow?

"It's like, 'Hey, I'm a Dime Store Indian. Hopefully you hit me.'"

"Nothing To Lose. Well, Except The Game. And The Playoffs."

Because obviously this guy's marbles are already off the negotiating table.

Mental.

"If you don't give yourself a chance, you won't give yourself a chance. You know what I mean?"

"Bryant Puts The Moves On Matthews."

-"Chemistry. It's the biggest thing."

-"Beautiful."

"And Nash Is Excellent At Being Able To Read."

Yeah. If this basketball thing doesn't pan out, he could totally sweep the 2nd grade.

"I Like The Way They're Finding the Free Men."

Yeah, the Atlanta Hawks fucking OWN Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad-running ass!

"It's Contagious In Here Tonight. And It's At Both Ends!"

I want to play in the NBA, so, like the Hawks and Bucks, I can have a play-by-play man tell the world about how my bout with the flu is going.

It Really IS All In The Way You Look At Things

"Steve Nash is the Jamie Foxx of the NBA"

And the Charro of Race Walking. Oh, were we not just associating random things here?

It's All In The Way You Look At Things

"Because it's the score that- that's going to develop and determine the game."

" He has a great body and the ability to take a pounding."

I'll let Deadspin's Barry Petchesky cover this one: "Color Me Fucking Shocked: Dick Vitale Loooooooooves Time Tebow." (Emphasis, and extra o's, mine.)

Indeed.

"Oh yeah, Dirk Nowitzki. He played Re-Dirk-ulous."

"How Hot Is Shin-Soo Choo?"

Sounds like someone up in the announcers' booth has a little bit of yellow fever . . .

"Now I'm not a physics major, by any means, but the thicker air should help his slider."

That statement is, shockingly, entirely correct. Especially the "not a physics major" part. Definitely Geology--it took three tries, but he finally passed "Rocks for Jocks."

Probably An Australian Joke

On San Francisco Giants pitcher Wellemeyer:

"I mean, just look at those broad shoulders. He's like an Atlas."

And Then, In The Same Inning . . .

"Look at Hanley Ramirez! Doing it with the glove here in the sixth inning."

I know nobody goes to Marlins games, but shouldn't perennial MVP candidates have PR people who tell them that fucking their defensive implements while playing the field will probably lose them the "everybody with any sense of common decency" vote?

"In ballet they call it a pirouette . . .

. . . but on the ball field they call it being gay for Hanley Ramirez. Which everyone in the baseball community is cool with. Right. . . right? Ohgodpleasenodon'tletthisbetheendofmybroadcastingcareer."

"This Is Worst Fears Scenario For The Clippers."

"What, playing basketball? Oh, right. Playing basketball."

You Knew This Was Coming. You Knew This Was Coming, And You Were OK With It

So a man walks into a bar, bartender says, "The biggest difference between Duke and Butler wasn't the jerseys":

"You'll notice Hayward (20, Butler) has not been on the offensive-- he got the tip in, but he's not gonna force it."

...

"Excellent control. He knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to get into the body of (Nolan) Smith, but he used control."

"A-Rod Has A Little Beef"

What the announcer meant: That pitch was a little outside.

What I heard: He's fat. And deserves to be taken to the slaughterhouse.

Fuck. You. A-Rod.

"Hayward, he's a guy that does things."

Looks like we've found the A-side to this sports blog tag team. Hayward lines 'em up so Barber can knock 'em down.

"Frees and threes; charity tosses and triples"

(Duke's fav.or.ite thiiiings, according to Rogers and Hammerstein up there.)

OR:

Shuts and ups; stop its and immediatelys.

“I can tell you one thing: This ballclub, most of the hitters, we know a lot about the strike zone”

Like it's eye color (blue), age (31), favorite hobbies (backpacking, organic gardening, stand-up paddleboarding), zodiac sign (Libra), and pet peeves (people who put their feet on the table, don't have any respect for women, and chase bad pitches).

"Two Of The Hottest Teams In The Country Here Today"

You know what's coming:

"Speed Causes A Lot Of Problems"

In baseball, and also in life (yours, mine, and Andre Agassi's).

"These Duke Women, Their Strength Is Turning You Over And Scoring On You The Other Way"

Is it just me, or do unintentional lesbian/women's basketball jokes never get old? (Note: I'm pretty sure it's not just me.)

"Edwards Takes Keselowski From The Rear"

Methinks, Mr. SportsCenter anchor, that NASCAR-driver Carl Edwards, with his well-documented anger management issues, might not take to kindly to you implying he stuck his, umm, driveshaft (?) into Keselewski's, umm, back fender (?).

But imagine how Keselowski feels--Polish and a catcher? Ouch.

...And White People, They Drive A Car Like This

On Evgeni Nabokov's (Na-BAH-kov) eligibility to play for the Russian Men's Ice Hockey Team, despite being from Kazakhstan:

It took a couple of petitions, but they do have paper there, and eventually managed to get it done

Enn Ohh, my friend. Ennnnn Oh.

"Because We Know How Much Johnny Loves Everything Russian"

More like you ain't from Russian, so bitch why you rushin'?

No but seriously, Johnny Weir was robbed. Olympic coverage failed to point this out.

"What Separates Them From The Truly Great Is That They Lack Finish"

Sounds like the Chinese have a lot to learn from our humble Marion Barber.

"Norway, What A Disaster. Maybe The Worst The Country's Ever Seen."

With Norway boasting five of the top ten "Storms (non-cyclone)" on Wikipedia's list of natural disasters, it's a fair point: only one team member cracked top 30 in the Men's 15K.

It Has Come To My Attention That I Do Not Understand Luge, Apparently

"Now he's gotta hit a home run down here to compete."

"Well yeah, but he's an aggressive slider."

"Yeah, He [Apolo Ohno] Really Reminds Me Of Tom Brady"

We were all thinking it, Cris Collinsworth was just saying it.

"She Has The Whole Package"

Am I watching the Winter Olympics? Because I swear that's a line from "The Wire."

"She Was Nailing This Mid-Section, Carrying A Ton Of Heat"

How do you fuck an abdomen? And why would you do it while holding a gun?

"Heather McPhee Gets Into The Backseat"

Slut.

"I Expect A Smokin' Run Here"

C'mon Jonny Mosely, this isn't snowboarding, it's only freestyle skiing. So, yes, they still get high, but they don't do it while competing.

"All Kinds Of People Are Attracted To Him--Kids Who Like The X-Games . . . But Your Mom Likes Him, Too"

Two ways to go here

First: "Shaun White does have the kind of face that only a mother could love."

Second, and most obviously: "No, Bob Costas, your mom likes Shaun White."

"Ice Dancers WIll Go To Icedancer.com To Find A Partner Who's Compatible"

No. Additional. Joke. Necessary.

This Brain Sucker Is So. Hungry.

"He's made a lot adjustments in his dedication to coaching this team, including taking his lovely wife on the road."

"She's 0-6 too"

"And That's Great Hand-Fighting By Dallas Clark."

Fuck that--I'll watch the Super Bowl, but I hate MMA. (Also, maybe Dallas Clark was playing paddy cake to get ready for this game?)

"This Isn't Good For Anything."

"Just like my second wife."

"They Were Not Playing Paddy Cake Getting Ready For This Game."

Tons of Canasta, though.

"You Know, Jim, I Was Telling The Saints Not To Blitz. But You Know What?"

"I still can't even understand why they don't bench that damn holder who's always costing those Peanuts kids the game. Must be that flirty little dress. So yeah, it's probably best they did the exact opposite of whatever I said."

Side-Eye Roundup

"How did they turn this around, Phil?"

"Well, you know, there were players in positions."

"They're playing to win the game."

"When moments are crucial in the game, you go with what you do."

"Drew Brees, Accomplished In Almost* Everything He's Ever Tried To Do."

Meryl:

Really? Did they pick the lock on his diary?

*Except, notably, maintain his hairline.

Eli:

And who hasn't beaten Andy Roddick?

"He'd Have To Throw Some Kind Of A Moonbeam To Avoid That Coverage" (Take 2)

It kind of ruins my faith in the internet that, when I google "quarterback clip art," this picture (which is clearly of Joe Theisman) is the first result.

"As The Winningest And Highest-Paid Coach In Clippers History..."

"As the fastest and most successful child molester in Folsom history..."

First Runners-Up

• "What's a little flag amongst friends?"
• "You don't want to blow it dead, I've been in that situation before.... Lots of whistle swallowing here"
• He'd have to throw some kind of a moonbeam to avoid that coverage"
• "He earned his stripes on special teams"
• "This man is his own zip code"
• "This is the time in the game when you want to hand the ball off to your horse"
• "Wow, is he throwing some footballs"
• "The ball is in the midsection of Drew Brees"

True Or False:

"If it had been further back, they would've moved it back, and it would be further than it is."

If He Dies, He Dies

"He [Favre] is going to have limited mobility."

"This Feels Right, This Feels Good, This Feels The Way You Always Dreamed It Would Feel When You Were Growing Up"

It's kinda hard to believe that a guy like Mark Sanchez, with his Hasselhoffian good looks and incredible poise, graduated not just from high school but also USC and yet somehow didn't get laid until this week.

But--don't you worry, sports-sex-scandal fans--head coach Rex Ryan has made it clear that he expects his starting QB to make up for lost time, saying to the media today, "We're gonna be the loosest team you've ever seen."

What? They were both talking about playing in the AFC Championship game?!! Well, fuck . . . never mind.

"There's That Great Backhand"

I could be watching the Australian Open. But at 3 AM, it's just as likely that it's "Behind the Music: Chris Brown and Rihanna."

Is Bismarck A Herring?

... And Marion Barber is finished for the season.

Live And Late Breaking:

"Brett Favre has great confidence in Brett Favre"

"Peyton Manning Is An Equal Opportunity Thrower Of The Football"

But horseshoes, he says, now there's a gentleman's sport; every toss a small, poetic reproach of affirmative action.

"The Celtics Are Banged Up. The Nets, All Season Long, Have Been Getting Banged."

I'm quite jealous of the lucky stiff who has been stickin' it to this pretty face on the regular.

"And You Can See That Andre Caldwell Cannot Run,"

"which means he cannot go faster."

"Joe Flacco, Who Still Has A Poster Of Tom Brady In His Room... Back At His Parents' House, Where He Lives."

Honestly, I think this has been brought up in every single Joe Flacco game.

"Sometimes You Try And Get Cute Back There In The Secondary"

But I think we all know Cornerbacks are never really "marriage material".

You Want To Get Him Back? Get Him Back On The Field.

"He did a great job lockin' and loadin' on that one. This is just a gun."

"They're Drinking A Lot Down Here On The Eagle's Sideline"

"Actually that's just Donovan McNabb, Andrea"

"One Thing About This Bama Defense: They Are So Deep"

Celtics deep?

(No, deeper. So mentally Mariana Trench deep that after the game, they took "the gatorade shower to a whole new level." Intellectually. Which, by the way, > endorsements.)

"A freshman growing up before your eyes!"

Is Garrett Gilbert the one turning Randy Moss into a woman? And, if so, is that the sort of thing we should be allowed to watch?

"That's A Full-Grown Man Playing This Game Tonight, In Adrian Clayborn."

And inside the full-grown man inside Adrian Clayborn is a 17-year-old just off a growth spurt who hasn't filled out yet, and inside him there's an adolescent with bad skin and hair in funny places, and inside him there's a third-grader who sings "The Song That Never Ends" continuously on family road trips, and inside him there's a toddler with a huge load of poop in his diaper. That's right: Adrian Clayborn is an American reappropriation of traditional Russian nesting dolls.

"Stanzi, with good protection."

Do they believe in that in Iowa?

"They Only Call It A 'Big Game' When You Lose"

NO THEY FUCKING DON'T, WADE PHILLIPS.