...And White People, They Drive A Car Like This

On Evgeni Nabokov's (Na-BAH-kov) eligibility to play for the Russian Men's Ice Hockey Team, despite being from Kazakhstan:

It took a couple of petitions, but they do have paper there, and eventually managed to get it done

Enn Ohh, my friend. Ennnnn Oh.

"Because We Know How Much Johnny Loves Everything Russian"

More like you ain't from Russian, so bitch why you rushin'?

No but seriously, Johnny Weir was robbed. Olympic coverage failed to point this out.

"What Separates Them From The Truly Great Is That They Lack Finish"

Sounds like the Chinese have a lot to learn from our humble Marion Barber.

"Norway, What A Disaster. Maybe The Worst The Country's Ever Seen."

With Norway boasting five of the top ten "Storms (non-cyclone)" on Wikipedia's list of natural disasters, it's a fair point: only one team member cracked top 30 in the Men's 15K.

It Has Come To My Attention That I Do Not Understand Luge, Apparently

"Now he's gotta hit a home run down here to compete."

"Well yeah, but he's an aggressive slider."

"Yeah, He [Apolo Ohno] Really Reminds Me Of Tom Brady"

We were all thinking it, Cris Collinsworth was just saying it.

"She Has The Whole Package"

Am I watching the Winter Olympics? Because I swear that's a line from "The Wire."

"She Was Nailing This Mid-Section, Carrying A Ton Of Heat"

How do you fuck an abdomen? And why would you do it while holding a gun?

"Heather McPhee Gets Into The Backseat"

Slut.

"I Expect A Smokin' Run Here"

C'mon Jonny Mosely, this isn't snowboarding, it's only freestyle skiing. So, yes, they still get high, but they don't do it while competing.

"All Kinds Of People Are Attracted To Him--Kids Who Like The X-Games . . . But Your Mom Likes Him, Too"

Two ways to go here

First: "Shaun White does have the kind of face that only a mother could love."

Second, and most obviously: "No, Bob Costas, your mom likes Shaun White."

"Ice Dancers WIll Go To Icedancer.com To Find A Partner Who's Compatible"

No. Additional. Joke. Necessary.

This Brain Sucker Is So. Hungry.

"He's made a lot adjustments in his dedication to coaching this team, including taking his lovely wife on the road."

"She's 0-6 too"

"And That's Great Hand-Fighting By Dallas Clark."

Fuck that--I'll watch the Super Bowl, but I hate MMA. (Also, maybe Dallas Clark was playing paddy cake to get ready for this game?)

"This Isn't Good For Anything."

"Just like my second wife."

"They Were Not Playing Paddy Cake Getting Ready For This Game."

Tons of Canasta, though.

"You Know, Jim, I Was Telling The Saints Not To Blitz. But You Know What?"

"I still can't even understand why they don't bench that damn holder who's always costing those Peanuts kids the game. Must be that flirty little dress. So yeah, it's probably best they did the exact opposite of whatever I said."

Side-Eye Roundup

"How did they turn this around, Phil?"

"Well, you know, there were players in positions."

"They're playing to win the game."

"When moments are crucial in the game, you go with what you do."

"Drew Brees, Accomplished In Almost* Everything He's Ever Tried To Do."

Meryl:

Really? Did they pick the lock on his diary?

*Except, notably, maintain his hairline.

Eli:

And who hasn't beaten Andy Roddick?

"He'd Have To Throw Some Kind Of A Moonbeam To Avoid That Coverage" (Take 2)

It kind of ruins my faith in the internet that, when I google "quarterback clip art," this picture (which is clearly of Joe Theisman) is the first result.

"As The Winningest And Highest-Paid Coach In Clippers History..."

"As the fastest and most successful child molester in Folsom history..."

First Runners-Up

• "What's a little flag amongst friends?"
• "You don't want to blow it dead, I've been in that situation before.... Lots of whistle swallowing here"
• He'd have to throw some kind of a moonbeam to avoid that coverage"
• "He earned his stripes on special teams"
• "This man is his own zip code"
• "This is the time in the game when you want to hand the ball off to your horse"
• "Wow, is he throwing some footballs"
• "The ball is in the midsection of Drew Brees"