From Last Weekend's Patriots Game

I've been sitting on these quotes from last week's Patriots game due to travel, holidays, and other things which are generally less important (but more unavoidable) than posting on this blog:

"Mewelde Moore goes down for the safety." But he only gives heejies to the cornerbacks.

"Trust me—Matt Flynn tonight is going to have a coming out party and it will be impressive." Perez Hilton says that Ellen DeGeneres might even make an appearance!

"New England's the hottest team in league." Blingee time!!!1!11!


Glitter Graphics

"The Guy That Has To Come To The Party Is Joe Flacco."

I mean, just look at how excited this guy is at the prospect:

Only time I'm throwing this sort of thing up, barring another Collinsworth gem. Happy whatever, Eli. (Canadian Thanksgiving?)

"It's Attitude, Not Aptitude, That Determines Altitude."

No. No it's fucking not. It's goddamn sports, not the inane admissions slogan from your safety school. I don't know who said this tonight, and it doesn't even matter, because it could've been any single one of them. You people. I mean this what, sentiment?, is not myth, it's not narrative, it's not funny ha-ha and it's not funny interesting. Fuck you. In the world of idealism paraded as fact, this is the untethered turkey balloon of all turkey balloons.

Yes, I Watched The High School Cross Country National Championships . . .

Online. Because I am a dork. Anyway . . .

On runners' thoughts early in the race: "You start thinking--'where do I wanna be right now? What do I wanna do?'" Pretty heady stuff for 17-year-olds, but shouldn't they be paying more attention to the national championship they're currently participating in than to trying to answer life's big questions?

On the girls' field: "These are 40 of the finest young ladies in the country." And they run pretty well too, don't they?

On the boys' field: "These guys, they're ready for a big dog fight out there." And to think, even cross country runners are emulating Michael Vick these days--the shame!

On the leaders of the boys' race as they head downhill: "Verzbicas and Zeinasellassie are mano y mano as they go down." Apparently our announcer moonlights as a synopsis writer for Spanish language underage Euro-African fetish porn DVD covers. Or maybe he's moonlighting as our announcer, and that's actually his day job--the way long tail economics works, you can make a killing doing just about anything these days.

On Verzbicas, as he approaches the finish line with a large lead: "If he can get to the finish line on his two feet he's gonna have a great day here." If he gets to the finish line on someone else's two feet, though, well, we've got the plot for the next season of Dexter.

No It's Not Like Horse. Pff! (Pff.) Pff.

STILL: Goes great with mustard. Let's do this.

"I mean, that's rules. That's the explanation." Joe Theismann, coming in H-O-T!

"One of the things the Tennessee Titans have decided to do, is they're not going to do a whole lot on defense." There is no try in the Titans Play-- and/or Choose Your Own Adventure-- Book.

"All you players out there remember: it takes no talent to hustle." Hustle, commentate, fall off a log, and in that order. (I mean, that's rules. That's the explanation.)

"The head is taboo." Thou shalt not suffer a scholar to live.

Follow up: "Dis-con-cert-ing Sig-nals...? (??!)" ???

HALFTIME!

"Yeah, it's a playoff game." Is he as bored as I am? Is that possible?

My God was this one ever a real slobberknocker. I'm out.