"I Don't Know If You've Heard Of Him Before, A Little Known Quarterback By The Name Of Brett Favre"

I heard this so many goddamn times during MNF I thought I was going crazy, until I remembered I was listening to Jon Gruden.

"Who Is This Bozo*? Oh."**

"He can rotate the spheroid."

"When you turn the ball over twenty-six times in one season: not good."

* Jon Gruden

**Quote: Stan Farrar

"Look At Him (Adrian Peterson) Explode Over The Pile"

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"Wade Phillips Knows One Thing,"

"...and that is a well-cooked roast."

"Randy Moss Is Blossoming"

"He's turning into a woman right before our eyes!"

Credit: Mark Asch

"Remember, Bironas Has A Big Leg"

How could we forget?

"This Is How You Blow Up A Play, From The Middle Linebacker's Perspective"

Which is much less scary than how you blow up a play from, say, a jihadist's perspective.

"People Talk About Brady's Accuracy, But This Is Pure, Unadulterated Arm Strength"

Tom Brady's arm is the Everclear to Joe Flacco's Keystone Light (to Chad Pennington's whatever-kind-of-beer-you-can-buy-in-Utah).

Matt Millen Remembers Where His Bread Is Buttered

Papa: Touchdown Barber!

Millen: That's the finish they need.

Matt Millen Would Not Tell You If He Cut Down The Cherry Tree

because he just said, while Marion Barber was on the field, that the Cowboys have lacked the ability to "finish"

"He [Jason Witten] Will Run Away From Anybody"

You owe these CBS announcers a fine steak dinner, Jason, because they're really making you sound like a gem.

"He [Jason Witten] Knows Where To Sit Down"

And that makes him unique . . . how exactly? Do other players struggle to find the bench?

"You Don't Have To Do Well On The SATs To Identify A Good Defensive Tackle"

But you do need to absolutely nail your Highlights Magazine "Hidden Picture" puzzle.

"And Before The End Of The Game, There's Nothing Better Than Arresting Kobe Bryant"

The closed captioning does not believe in "allegedly"

Hockey Is Just Too Easy . . .

I've heard the phrase "Fires it into the slot" at least five times in the second period of tonight's Bruin's game alone (first time in weeks that phrase has been used in sports coverage while not referring to Tiger Woods *zing!*).

"Hey, Tood McShay--How High Are We On Jimmy Clausen?"

I think I asked that once during the fall semester of my junior year. I was obviously really high--otherwise, like any sensible person, I would have asked Mel Kiper instead.

"He Does A Phenomenal Job OWNING This Entire Offense."

Those ten other players on the field--they belong to Aaron Rodgers. But it's cool--he's more Thomas Jefferson (minus the whole out-of-wedlock babies thing) than John Reynolds.*

Meryl--I'm challenging you to a Roots-off right now: whoever can work more legitimate Roots references into their posts in the next week wins 3/5s of a vote.

"I Wanted To See Joe Flacco--I Wanted To See 'Could He Carry The Water?' "

Because, you know, it's way more important for a quarterback to be able to carry the water than do a lot of other things, like, say, recognize coverage or throw a deep ball. After all, your teammates gotta stay hydrated somehow.

"This Is In Live Action!"

And this is probably why sports normally aren't broadcast that way. (Stop-motion is much more reliable.)

"They Literally Have To Cut The Head Off The Snake"

This is something all teams have had to do, literally, since 1998 in order to qualify for the BCS National Championship. It is actually the most logically sound part of the selection process.

But These Cincy Guys Are Trying Way Too Hard To Prove They're Straight

"Good penetration by Giordano."
"Again, good penetration."

"I Did See Some Of The Pittsburgh Guys Go Down In Their Warmup Period."

But they all said "No homo" afterward, so it's cool.

"He Has An Arm Around Him, Huggin' Him, Lovin' Him"

This is just good, accurate college football commentary.

"Rodgers Had Shown Up Even Before The Civil War"

If Jacquizz was a popular antebellum name then I will eat my hat.

"He [McKenzie] Has Guts That Don't Even Fit In His Uniform"

Jesus, Mike McKenzie. See a doctor.

"Welker Will Blow You UP"

Wes Welker is a terrorist.

Ray Rice Is Confident With Women

"Ray Rice is going to just make a move on both of them... what a great young player"

"Ray Rice is a player"