True Or False:

"If it had been further back, they would've moved it back, and it would be further than it is."

If He Dies, He Dies

"He [Favre] is going to have limited mobility."

"This Feels Right, This Feels Good, This Feels The Way You Always Dreamed It Would Feel When You Were Growing Up"

It's kinda hard to believe that a guy like Mark Sanchez, with his Hasselhoffian good looks and incredible poise, graduated not just from high school but also USC and yet somehow didn't get laid until this week.

But--don't you worry, sports-sex-scandal fans--head coach Rex Ryan has made it clear that he expects his starting QB to make up for lost time, saying to the media today, "We're gonna be the loosest team you've ever seen."

What? They were both talking about playing in the AFC Championship game?!! Well, fuck . . . never mind.

"There's That Great Backhand"

I could be watching the Australian Open. But at 3 AM, it's just as likely that it's "Behind the Music: Chris Brown and Rihanna."

Is Bismarck A Herring?

... And Marion Barber is finished for the season.

Live And Late Breaking:

"Brett Favre has great confidence in Brett Favre"

"Peyton Manning Is An Equal Opportunity Thrower Of The Football"

But horseshoes, he says, now there's a gentleman's sport; every toss a small, poetic reproach of affirmative action.

"The Celtics Are Banged Up. The Nets, All Season Long, Have Been Getting Banged."

I'm quite jealous of the lucky stiff who has been stickin' it to this pretty face on the regular.

"And You Can See That Andre Caldwell Cannot Run,"

"which means he cannot go faster."

"Joe Flacco, Who Still Has A Poster Of Tom Brady In His Room... Back At His Parents' House, Where He Lives."

Honestly, I think this has been brought up in every single Joe Flacco game.

"Sometimes You Try And Get Cute Back There In The Secondary"

But I think we all know Cornerbacks are never really "marriage material".

You Want To Get Him Back? Get Him Back On The Field.

"He did a great job lockin' and loadin' on that one. This is just a gun."

"They're Drinking A Lot Down Here On The Eagle's Sideline"

"Actually that's just Donovan McNabb, Andrea"

"One Thing About This Bama Defense: They Are So Deep"

Celtics deep?

(No, deeper. So mentally Mariana Trench deep that after the game, they took "the gatorade shower to a whole new level." Intellectually. Which, by the way, > endorsements.)

"A freshman growing up before your eyes!"

Is Garrett Gilbert the one turning Randy Moss into a woman? And, if so, is that the sort of thing we should be allowed to watch?

"That's A Full-Grown Man Playing This Game Tonight, In Adrian Clayborn."

And inside the full-grown man inside Adrian Clayborn is a 17-year-old just off a growth spurt who hasn't filled out yet, and inside him there's an adolescent with bad skin and hair in funny places, and inside him there's a third-grader who sings "The Song That Never Ends" continuously on family road trips, and inside him there's a toddler with a huge load of poop in his diaper. That's right: Adrian Clayborn is an American reappropriation of traditional Russian nesting dolls.

"Stanzi, with good protection."

Do they believe in that in Iowa?

"They Only Call It A 'Big Game' When You Lose"

NO THEY FUCKING DON'T, WADE PHILLIPS.