"Joe West Just Wanted To Stick It Right Up His Behind And He Did"

Look, this blog likes a good gay/Australian joke as much as (and, really much, much more than) the next guy; remember, we here don't believe that words (or strings of words) have any objective meaning (this is how we justify saying whatever we want). However, we feel that announcers on regional sports networks should be held to at least some sort of incredibly mild standard of non-homophobic commentating, because (while gay jokes are things we feel okay making on this blog, because we know 1) no one reads it; and 2) if they did, they would likely be a friend of ours whose mind we would know we wouldn't be poisoning against the gheys [hi Jake!]) that's just not the sort of joke or comment that should be made in an environment where one doesn't have compete control of its ramifications.

But, in this case, FUCK THAT! Because--you wanna know what?--the only inaccurate thing that announcer said is "and he did." Because Joe West definitely, certainly, 100% truly wanted to stick it right up his (Mark Buehrle's) behind.

Seriously, Joe West, I hope you die a miserable, rotten, lonely, fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat death. (On the bright side, I feel it's pretty likely that that's something that will happen; either that or him choking to death on a chicken wing.)

"The French Love These Types of Battles"

Oh, really? Are you sure they don't like this type of battle? Or what about this kind? Or this one (yeah, definitely that one)?

Wait, scratch that, they're French. There's no type of battle that they love more than one between two pretty men wearing collared shirts smacking balls back and forth at each other.

Talk About A Goose Egg

"It started as a 0-0 game."

Who Rocks The Party That Rocks Your Body

"When you're the all-time leading scorer for the Lakers, you've done some things."

(eg: score, allegedly)

"Redick Does A Good Job Harassing Allen"

You can always tell a Duke man.

What Makes The Red Man Yellow?

"It's like, 'Hey, I'm a Dime Store Indian. Hopefully you hit me.'"

"Nothing To Lose. Well, Except The Game. And The Playoffs."

Because obviously this guy's marbles are already off the negotiating table.

Mental.

"If you don't give yourself a chance, you won't give yourself a chance. You know what I mean?"

"Bryant Puts The Moves On Matthews."

-"Chemistry. It's the biggest thing."

-"Beautiful."

"And Nash Is Excellent At Being Able To Read."

Yeah. If this basketball thing doesn't pan out, he could totally sweep the 2nd grade.

"I Like The Way They're Finding the Free Men."

Yeah, the Atlanta Hawks fucking OWN Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad-running ass!

"It's Contagious In Here Tonight. And It's At Both Ends!"

I want to play in the NBA, so, like the Hawks and Bucks, I can have a play-by-play man tell the world about how my bout with the flu is going.

It Really IS All In The Way You Look At Things

"Steve Nash is the Jamie Foxx of the NBA"

And the Charro of Race Walking. Oh, were we not just associating random things here?

It's All In The Way You Look At Things

"Because it's the score that- that's going to develop and determine the game."

" He has a great body and the ability to take a pounding."

I'll let Deadspin's Barry Petchesky cover this one: "Color Me Fucking Shocked: Dick Vitale Loooooooooves Time Tebow." (Emphasis, and extra o's, mine.)

Indeed.

"Oh yeah, Dirk Nowitzki. He played Re-Dirk-ulous."

"How Hot Is Shin-Soo Choo?"

Sounds like someone up in the announcers' booth has a little bit of yellow fever . . .

"Now I'm not a physics major, by any means, but the thicker air should help his slider."

That statement is, shockingly, entirely correct. Especially the "not a physics major" part. Definitely Geology--it took three tries, but he finally passed "Rocks for Jocks."

Probably An Australian Joke

On San Francisco Giants pitcher Wellemeyer:

"I mean, just look at those broad shoulders. He's like an Atlas."

And Then, In The Same Inning . . .

"Look at Hanley Ramirez! Doing it with the glove here in the sixth inning."

I know nobody goes to Marlins games, but shouldn't perennial MVP candidates have PR people who tell them that fucking their defensive implements while playing the field will probably lose them the "everybody with any sense of common decency" vote?

"In ballet they call it a pirouette . . .

. . . but on the ball field they call it being gay for Hanley Ramirez. Which everyone in the baseball community is cool with. Right. . . right? Ohgodpleasenodon'tletthisbetheendofmybroadcastingcareer."

"This Is Worst Fears Scenario For The Clippers."

"What, playing basketball? Oh, right. Playing basketball."

You Knew This Was Coming. You Knew This Was Coming, And You Were OK With It

So a man walks into a bar, bartender says, "The biggest difference between Duke and Butler wasn't the jerseys":

"You'll notice Hayward (20, Butler) has not been on the offensive-- he got the tip in, but he's not gonna force it."

...

"Excellent control. He knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to get into the body of (Nolan) Smith, but he used control."

"A-Rod Has A Little Beef"

What the announcer meant: That pitch was a little outside.

What I heard: He's fat. And deserves to be taken to the slaughterhouse.

Fuck. You. A-Rod.

"Hayward, he's a guy that does things."

Looks like we've found the A-side to this sports blog tag team. Hayward lines 'em up so Barber can knock 'em down.

"Frees and threes; charity tosses and triples"

(Duke's fav.or.ite thiiiings, according to Rogers and Hammerstein up there.)

OR:

Shuts and ups; stop its and immediatelys.

“I can tell you one thing: This ballclub, most of the hitters, we know a lot about the strike zone”

Like it's eye color (blue), age (31), favorite hobbies (backpacking, organic gardening, stand-up paddleboarding), zodiac sign (Libra), and pet peeves (people who put their feet on the table, don't have any respect for women, and chase bad pitches).

"Two Of The Hottest Teams In The Country Here Today"

You know what's coming:

"Speed Causes A Lot Of Problems"

In baseball, and also in life (yours, mine, and Andre Agassi's).

"These Duke Women, Their Strength Is Turning You Over And Scoring On You The Other Way"

Is it just me, or do unintentional lesbian/women's basketball jokes never get old? (Note: I'm pretty sure it's not just me.)

"Edwards Takes Keselowski From The Rear"

Methinks, Mr. SportsCenter anchor, that NASCAR-driver Carl Edwards, with his well-documented anger management issues, might not take to kindly to you implying he stuck his, umm, driveshaft (?) into Keselewski's, umm, back fender (?).

But imagine how Keselowski feels--Polish and a catcher? Ouch.

...And White People, They Drive A Car Like This

On Evgeni Nabokov's (Na-BAH-kov) eligibility to play for the Russian Men's Ice Hockey Team, despite being from Kazakhstan:

It took a couple of petitions, but they do have paper there, and eventually managed to get it done

Enn Ohh, my friend. Ennnnn Oh.

"Because We Know How Much Johnny Loves Everything Russian"

More like you ain't from Russian, so bitch why you rushin'?

No but seriously, Johnny Weir was robbed. Olympic coverage failed to point this out.

"What Separates Them From The Truly Great Is That They Lack Finish"

Sounds like the Chinese have a lot to learn from our humble Marion Barber.

"Norway, What A Disaster. Maybe The Worst The Country's Ever Seen."

With Norway boasting five of the top ten "Storms (non-cyclone)" on Wikipedia's list of natural disasters, it's a fair point: only one team member cracked top 30 in the Men's 15K.

It Has Come To My Attention That I Do Not Understand Luge, Apparently

"Now he's gotta hit a home run down here to compete."

"Well yeah, but he's an aggressive slider."

"Yeah, He [Apolo Ohno] Really Reminds Me Of Tom Brady"

We were all thinking it, Cris Collinsworth was just saying it.

"She Has The Whole Package"

Am I watching the Winter Olympics? Because I swear that's a line from "The Wire."

"She Was Nailing This Mid-Section, Carrying A Ton Of Heat"

How do you fuck an abdomen? And why would you do it while holding a gun?

"Heather McPhee Gets Into The Backseat"

Slut.

"I Expect A Smokin' Run Here"

C'mon Jonny Mosely, this isn't snowboarding, it's only freestyle skiing. So, yes, they still get high, but they don't do it while competing.

"All Kinds Of People Are Attracted To Him--Kids Who Like The X-Games . . . But Your Mom Likes Him, Too"

Two ways to go here

First: "Shaun White does have the kind of face that only a mother could love."

Second, and most obviously: "No, Bob Costas, your mom likes Shaun White."

"Ice Dancers WIll Go To Icedancer.com To Find A Partner Who's Compatible"

No. Additional. Joke. Necessary.

This Brain Sucker Is So. Hungry.

"He's made a lot adjustments in his dedication to coaching this team, including taking his lovely wife on the road."

"She's 0-6 too"

"And That's Great Hand-Fighting By Dallas Clark."

Fuck that--I'll watch the Super Bowl, but I hate MMA. (Also, maybe Dallas Clark was playing paddy cake to get ready for this game?)

"This Isn't Good For Anything."

"Just like my second wife."

"They Were Not Playing Paddy Cake Getting Ready For This Game."

Tons of Canasta, though.

"You Know, Jim, I Was Telling The Saints Not To Blitz. But You Know What?"

"I still can't even understand why they don't bench that damn holder who's always costing those Peanuts kids the game. Must be that flirty little dress. So yeah, it's probably best they did the exact opposite of whatever I said."

Side-Eye Roundup

"How did they turn this around, Phil?"

"Well, you know, there were players in positions."

"They're playing to win the game."

"When moments are crucial in the game, you go with what you do."

"Drew Brees, Accomplished In Almost* Everything He's Ever Tried To Do."

Meryl:

Really? Did they pick the lock on his diary?

*Except, notably, maintain his hairline.

Eli:

And who hasn't beaten Andy Roddick?

"He'd Have To Throw Some Kind Of A Moonbeam To Avoid That Coverage" (Take 2)

It kind of ruins my faith in the internet that, when I google "quarterback clip art," this picture (which is clearly of Joe Theisman) is the first result.

"As The Winningest And Highest-Paid Coach In Clippers History..."

"As the fastest and most successful child molester in Folsom history..."

First Runners-Up

• "What's a little flag amongst friends?"
• "You don't want to blow it dead, I've been in that situation before.... Lots of whistle swallowing here"
• He'd have to throw some kind of a moonbeam to avoid that coverage"
• "He earned his stripes on special teams"
• "This man is his own zip code"
• "This is the time in the game when you want to hand the ball off to your horse"
• "Wow, is he throwing some footballs"
• "The ball is in the midsection of Drew Brees"

True Or False:

"If it had been further back, they would've moved it back, and it would be further than it is."

If He Dies, He Dies

"He [Favre] is going to have limited mobility."

"This Feels Right, This Feels Good, This Feels The Way You Always Dreamed It Would Feel When You Were Growing Up"

It's kinda hard to believe that a guy like Mark Sanchez, with his Hasselhoffian good looks and incredible poise, graduated not just from high school but also USC and yet somehow didn't get laid until this week.

But--don't you worry, sports-sex-scandal fans--head coach Rex Ryan has made it clear that he expects his starting QB to make up for lost time, saying to the media today, "We're gonna be the loosest team you've ever seen."

What? They were both talking about playing in the AFC Championship game?!! Well, fuck . . . never mind.

"There's That Great Backhand"

I could be watching the Australian Open. But at 3 AM, it's just as likely that it's "Behind the Music: Chris Brown and Rihanna."

Is Bismarck A Herring?

... And Marion Barber is finished for the season.

Live And Late Breaking:

"Brett Favre has great confidence in Brett Favre"

"Peyton Manning Is An Equal Opportunity Thrower Of The Football"

But horseshoes, he says, now there's a gentleman's sport; every toss a small, poetic reproach of affirmative action.

"The Celtics Are Banged Up. The Nets, All Season Long, Have Been Getting Banged."

I'm quite jealous of the lucky stiff who has been stickin' it to this pretty face on the regular.

"And You Can See That Andre Caldwell Cannot Run,"

"which means he cannot go faster."

"Joe Flacco, Who Still Has A Poster Of Tom Brady In His Room... Back At His Parents' House, Where He Lives."

Honestly, I think this has been brought up in every single Joe Flacco game.

"Sometimes You Try And Get Cute Back There In The Secondary"

But I think we all know Cornerbacks are never really "marriage material".

You Want To Get Him Back? Get Him Back On The Field.

"He did a great job lockin' and loadin' on that one. This is just a gun."

"They're Drinking A Lot Down Here On The Eagle's Sideline"

"Actually that's just Donovan McNabb, Andrea"

"One Thing About This Bama Defense: They Are So Deep"

Celtics deep?

(No, deeper. So mentally Mariana Trench deep that after the game, they took "the gatorade shower to a whole new level." Intellectually. Which, by the way, > endorsements.)

"A freshman growing up before your eyes!"

Is Garrett Gilbert the one turning Randy Moss into a woman? And, if so, is that the sort of thing we should be allowed to watch?

"That's A Full-Grown Man Playing This Game Tonight, In Adrian Clayborn."

And inside the full-grown man inside Adrian Clayborn is a 17-year-old just off a growth spurt who hasn't filled out yet, and inside him there's an adolescent with bad skin and hair in funny places, and inside him there's a third-grader who sings "The Song That Never Ends" continuously on family road trips, and inside him there's a toddler with a huge load of poop in his diaper. That's right: Adrian Clayborn is an American reappropriation of traditional Russian nesting dolls.

"Stanzi, with good protection."

Do they believe in that in Iowa?

"They Only Call It A 'Big Game' When You Lose"

NO THEY FUCKING DON'T, WADE PHILLIPS.

"I Don't Know If You've Heard Of Him Before, A Little Known Quarterback By The Name Of Brett Favre"

I heard this so many goddamn times during MNF I thought I was going crazy, until I remembered I was listening to Jon Gruden.

"Who Is This Bozo*? Oh."**

"He can rotate the spheroid."

"When you turn the ball over twenty-six times in one season: not good."

* Jon Gruden

**Quote: Stan Farrar

"Look At Him (Adrian Peterson) Explode Over The Pile"

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"Wade Phillips Knows One Thing,"

"...and that is a well-cooked roast."

"Randy Moss Is Blossoming"

"He's turning into a woman right before our eyes!"

Credit: Mark Asch

"Remember, Bironas Has A Big Leg"

How could we forget?

"This Is How You Blow Up A Play, From The Middle Linebacker's Perspective"

Which is much less scary than how you blow up a play from, say, a jihadist's perspective.

"People Talk About Brady's Accuracy, But This Is Pure, Unadulterated Arm Strength"

Tom Brady's arm is the Everclear to Joe Flacco's Keystone Light (to Chad Pennington's whatever-kind-of-beer-you-can-buy-in-Utah).

Matt Millen Remembers Where His Bread Is Buttered

Papa: Touchdown Barber!

Millen: That's the finish they need.

Matt Millen Would Not Tell You If He Cut Down The Cherry Tree

because he just said, while Marion Barber was on the field, that the Cowboys have lacked the ability to "finish"

"He [Jason Witten] Will Run Away From Anybody"

You owe these CBS announcers a fine steak dinner, Jason, because they're really making you sound like a gem.

"He [Jason Witten] Knows Where To Sit Down"

And that makes him unique . . . how exactly? Do other players struggle to find the bench?

"You Don't Have To Do Well On The SATs To Identify A Good Defensive Tackle"

But you do need to absolutely nail your Highlights Magazine "Hidden Picture" puzzle.

"And Before The End Of The Game, There's Nothing Better Than Arresting Kobe Bryant"

The closed captioning does not believe in "allegedly"

Hockey Is Just Too Easy . . .

I've heard the phrase "Fires it into the slot" at least five times in the second period of tonight's Bruin's game alone (first time in weeks that phrase has been used in sports coverage while not referring to Tiger Woods *zing!*).

"Hey, Tood McShay--How High Are We On Jimmy Clausen?"

I think I asked that once during the fall semester of my junior year. I was obviously really high--otherwise, like any sensible person, I would have asked Mel Kiper instead.

"He Does A Phenomenal Job OWNING This Entire Offense."

Those ten other players on the field--they belong to Aaron Rodgers. But it's cool--he's more Thomas Jefferson (minus the whole out-of-wedlock babies thing) than John Reynolds.*

Meryl--I'm challenging you to a Roots-off right now: whoever can work more legitimate Roots references into their posts in the next week wins 3/5s of a vote.

"I Wanted To See Joe Flacco--I Wanted To See 'Could He Carry The Water?' "

Because, you know, it's way more important for a quarterback to be able to carry the water than do a lot of other things, like, say, recognize coverage or throw a deep ball. After all, your teammates gotta stay hydrated somehow.

"This Is In Live Action!"

And this is probably why sports normally aren't broadcast that way. (Stop-motion is much more reliable.)

"They Literally Have To Cut The Head Off The Snake"

This is something all teams have had to do, literally, since 1998 in order to qualify for the BCS National Championship. It is actually the most logically sound part of the selection process.

But These Cincy Guys Are Trying Way Too Hard To Prove They're Straight

"Good penetration by Giordano."
"Again, good penetration."

"I Did See Some Of The Pittsburgh Guys Go Down In Their Warmup Period."

But they all said "No homo" afterward, so it's cool.

"He Has An Arm Around Him, Huggin' Him, Lovin' Him"

This is just good, accurate college football commentary.

"Rodgers Had Shown Up Even Before The Civil War"

If Jacquizz was a popular antebellum name then I will eat my hat.

"He [McKenzie] Has Guts That Don't Even Fit In His Uniform"

Jesus, Mike McKenzie. See a doctor.

"Welker Will Blow You UP"

Wes Welker is a terrorist.

Ray Rice Is Confident With Women

"Ray Rice is going to just make a move on both of them... what a great young player"

"Ray Rice is a player"

"The Saints' defensive line sure has shown up tonight, Jon"

"As opposed to all the other players, Mike, who just decided to stay at home?"

"Fine-looking rookie Brice McCain with the pick"

The first of what will surely be many Chris Berman quotes . . . and Blingees:


Add Glitter to your Photos

Bironas Has A Big Leg*

*Bigger than a bread box.

"The Boston Celtics are so deep"

Kevin Garnett and I had an interesting chat about the platonic ideal of virtue last night. And this was after I spent the whole day with Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts.

Chad OchoCinco Creates Space

I never thought I'd be able to fit this much in my garage.

Week 9

"Barber was held to three yards on three rushes in the first two quarters but was employed as an effective clock-killer late in the contest and picked up some useful yardage. That's about all you can ask from a runner stuck in a three-man rotation" (here).

Marion Barber finished the game.

6'0", 26yrs old

Marion Barber is finished growing.

It's True

Marion Barber designed the 2009 Seattle Marathon shirts.

Backlog

I was thinking about getting Anna Karenina. Marion just finished it, said it was a good read.

I was once raped by Marion Barber. I tried to make him stop, but he just said, "Do you know who I am?" Needless to say, I do now.

I would hate to drink with Marion Barber. Take one sip, put your beer down, and look away for just a second . . .

I hate eating pizza with Marion Barber. He has no qualms about taking the last slice. . . but he's great for Thanksgiving leftovers.

Marion's PR team needs to get him personally involved in his website, because shit is totally incomplete.

So I asked Marion if I could see his Hilights magazine because I enjoy the challenging puzzles and he's all, "When I'm finished." But it's like, come on, man. You're using pen.

When you're painting your house, Marion Barber is a great friend to have. The job gets done.

When Marion was a child, Mrs. Barber never had to ask him to finish his vegetables.

Marion Barber was both the the pilot of Enola Gay, and the first guy to take a sledgehammer to the Berlin Wall.

I was talking with Marion Barber the other day, and our convo started going in a direction he didn't like, so he said, "This conversation is finished." And it was.

Marion Barber hates overtime games.