True Or False:

"If it had been further back, they would've moved it back, and it would be further than it is."

If He Dies, He Dies

"He [Favre] is going to have limited mobility."

"This Feels Right, This Feels Good, This Feels The Way You Always Dreamed It Would Feel When You Were Growing Up"

It's kinda hard to believe that a guy like Mark Sanchez, with his Hasselhoffian good looks and incredible poise, graduated not just from high school but also USC and yet somehow didn't get laid until this week.

But--don't you worry, sports-sex-scandal fans--head coach Rex Ryan has made it clear that he expects his starting QB to make up for lost time, saying to the media today, "We're gonna be the loosest team you've ever seen."

What? They were both talking about playing in the AFC Championship game?!! Well, fuck . . . never mind.

"There's That Great Backhand"

I could be watching the Australian Open. But at 3 AM, it's just as likely that it's "Behind the Music: Chris Brown and Rihanna."

Is Bismarck A Herring?

... And Marion Barber is finished for the season.

Live And Late Breaking:

"Brett Favre has great confidence in Brett Favre"

"Peyton Manning Is An Equal Opportunity Thrower Of The Football"

But horseshoes, he says, now there's a gentleman's sport; every toss a small, poetic reproach of affirmative action.

"The Celtics Are Banged Up. The Nets, All Season Long, Have Been Getting Banged."

I'm quite jealous of the lucky stiff who has been stickin' it to this pretty face on the regular.

"And You Can See That Andre Caldwell Cannot Run,"

"which means he cannot go faster."

"Joe Flacco, Who Still Has A Poster Of Tom Brady In His Room... Back At His Parents' House, Where He Lives."

Honestly, I think this has been brought up in every single Joe Flacco game.

"Sometimes You Try And Get Cute Back There In The Secondary"

But I think we all know Cornerbacks are never really "marriage material".

You Want To Get Him Back? Get Him Back On The Field.

"He did a great job lockin' and loadin' on that one. This is just a gun."

"They're Drinking A Lot Down Here On The Eagle's Sideline"

"Actually that's just Donovan McNabb, Andrea"

"One Thing About This Bama Defense: They Are So Deep"

Celtics deep?

(No, deeper. So mentally Mariana Trench deep that after the game, they took "the gatorade shower to a whole new level." Intellectually. Which, by the way, > endorsements.)

"A freshman growing up before your eyes!"

Is Garrett Gilbert the one turning Randy Moss into a woman? And, if so, is that the sort of thing we should be allowed to watch?

"That's A Full-Grown Man Playing This Game Tonight, In Adrian Clayborn."

And inside the full-grown man inside Adrian Clayborn is a 17-year-old just off a growth spurt who hasn't filled out yet, and inside him there's an adolescent with bad skin and hair in funny places, and inside him there's a third-grader who sings "The Song That Never Ends" continuously on family road trips, and inside him there's a toddler with a huge load of poop in his diaper. That's right: Adrian Clayborn is an American reappropriation of traditional Russian nesting dolls.

"Stanzi, with good protection."

Do they believe in that in Iowa?

"They Only Call It A 'Big Game' When You Lose"

NO THEY FUCKING DON'T, WADE PHILLIPS.

"I Don't Know If You've Heard Of Him Before, A Little Known Quarterback By The Name Of Brett Favre"

I heard this so many goddamn times during MNF I thought I was going crazy, until I remembered I was listening to Jon Gruden.

"Who Is This Bozo*? Oh."**

"He can rotate the spheroid."

"When you turn the ball over twenty-six times in one season: not good."

* Jon Gruden

**Quote: Stan Farrar

"Look At Him (Adrian Peterson) Explode Over The Pile"

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"Wade Phillips Knows One Thing,"

"...and that is a well-cooked roast."

"Randy Moss Is Blossoming"

"He's turning into a woman right before our eyes!"

Credit: Mark Asch

"Remember, Bironas Has A Big Leg"

How could we forget?

"This Is How You Blow Up A Play, From The Middle Linebacker's Perspective"

Which is much less scary than how you blow up a play from, say, a jihadist's perspective.

"People Talk About Brady's Accuracy, But This Is Pure, Unadulterated Arm Strength"

Tom Brady's arm is the Everclear to Joe Flacco's Keystone Light (to Chad Pennington's whatever-kind-of-beer-you-can-buy-in-Utah).

Matt Millen Remembers Where His Bread Is Buttered

Papa: Touchdown Barber!

Millen: That's the finish they need.

Matt Millen Would Not Tell You If He Cut Down The Cherry Tree

because he just said, while Marion Barber was on the field, that the Cowboys have lacked the ability to "finish"

"He [Jason Witten] Will Run Away From Anybody"

You owe these CBS announcers a fine steak dinner, Jason, because they're really making you sound like a gem.

"He [Jason Witten] Knows Where To Sit Down"

And that makes him unique . . . how exactly? Do other players struggle to find the bench?

"You Don't Have To Do Well On The SATs To Identify A Good Defensive Tackle"

But you do need to absolutely nail your Highlights Magazine "Hidden Picture" puzzle.

"And Before The End Of The Game, There's Nothing Better Than Arresting Kobe Bryant"

The closed captioning does not believe in "allegedly"

Hockey Is Just Too Easy . . .

I've heard the phrase "Fires it into the slot" at least five times in the second period of tonight's Bruin's game alone (first time in weeks that phrase has been used in sports coverage while not referring to Tiger Woods *zing!*).

"Hey, Tood McShay--How High Are We On Jimmy Clausen?"

I think I asked that once during the fall semester of my junior year. I was obviously really high--otherwise, like any sensible person, I would have asked Mel Kiper instead.

"He Does A Phenomenal Job OWNING This Entire Offense."

Those ten other players on the field--they belong to Aaron Rodgers. But it's cool--he's more Thomas Jefferson (minus the whole out-of-wedlock babies thing) than John Reynolds.*

Meryl--I'm challenging you to a Roots-off right now: whoever can work more legitimate Roots references into their posts in the next week wins 3/5s of a vote.

"I Wanted To See Joe Flacco--I Wanted To See 'Could He Carry The Water?' "

Because, you know, it's way more important for a quarterback to be able to carry the water than do a lot of other things, like, say, recognize coverage or throw a deep ball. After all, your teammates gotta stay hydrated somehow.

"This Is In Live Action!"

And this is probably why sports normally aren't broadcast that way. (Stop-motion is much more reliable.)

"They Literally Have To Cut The Head Off The Snake"

This is something all teams have had to do, literally, since 1998 in order to qualify for the BCS National Championship. It is actually the most logically sound part of the selection process.

But These Cincy Guys Are Trying Way Too Hard To Prove They're Straight

"Good penetration by Giordano."
"Again, good penetration."

"I Did See Some Of The Pittsburgh Guys Go Down In Their Warmup Period."

But they all said "No homo" afterward, so it's cool.

"He Has An Arm Around Him, Huggin' Him, Lovin' Him"

This is just good, accurate college football commentary.

"Rodgers Had Shown Up Even Before The Civil War"

If Jacquizz was a popular antebellum name then I will eat my hat.

"He [McKenzie] Has Guts That Don't Even Fit In His Uniform"

Jesus, Mike McKenzie. See a doctor.

"Welker Will Blow You UP"

Wes Welker is a terrorist.

Ray Rice Is Confident With Women

"Ray Rice is going to just make a move on both of them... what a great young player"

"Ray Rice is a player"

"The Saints' defensive line sure has shown up tonight, Jon"

"As opposed to all the other players, Mike, who just decided to stay at home?"

"Fine-looking rookie Brice McCain with the pick"

The first of what will surely be many Chris Berman quotes . . . and Blingees:


Add Glitter to your Photos

Bironas Has A Big Leg*

*Bigger than a bread box.

"The Boston Celtics are so deep"

Kevin Garnett and I had an interesting chat about the platonic ideal of virtue last night. And this was after I spent the whole day with Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts.

Chad OchoCinco Creates Space

I never thought I'd be able to fit this much in my garage.

Week 9

"Barber was held to three yards on three rushes in the first two quarters but was employed as an effective clock-killer late in the contest and picked up some useful yardage. That's about all you can ask from a runner stuck in a three-man rotation" (here).

Marion Barber finished the game.

6'0", 26yrs old

Marion Barber is finished growing.

It's True

Marion Barber designed the 2009 Seattle Marathon shirts.

Backlog

I was thinking about getting Anna Karenina. Marion just finished it, said it was a good read.

I was once raped by Marion Barber. I tried to make him stop, but he just said, "Do you know who I am?" Needless to say, I do now.

I would hate to drink with Marion Barber. Take one sip, put your beer down, and look away for just a second . . .

I hate eating pizza with Marion Barber. He has no qualms about taking the last slice. . . but he's great for Thanksgiving leftovers.

Marion's PR team needs to get him personally involved in his website, because shit is totally incomplete.

So I asked Marion if I could see his Hilights magazine because I enjoy the challenging puzzles and he's all, "When I'm finished." But it's like, come on, man. You're using pen.

When you're painting your house, Marion Barber is a great friend to have. The job gets done.

When Marion was a child, Mrs. Barber never had to ask him to finish his vegetables.

Marion Barber was both the the pilot of Enola Gay, and the first guy to take a sledgehammer to the Berlin Wall.

I was talking with Marion Barber the other day, and our convo started going in a direction he didn't like, so he said, "This conversation is finished." And it was.

Marion Barber hates overtime games.